I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
