Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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