i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I still have a little drunk in my system
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
