Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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