there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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