i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
