You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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