i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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