That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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