I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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