WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
