I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
