I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
