Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
