I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
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is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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