I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
