My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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