You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
