I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
where does the pee come out of this thing
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
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French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
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I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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