no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
