I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
