Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
