Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Randomize
