You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
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Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
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You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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