Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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