my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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