Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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