every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
