Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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