my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
