I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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