i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
