they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
