Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
