i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
