I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
