You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
