this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
