i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
