In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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