apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
