1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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