Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
