i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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