Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
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He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
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I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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