Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
