i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
