he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
