Kiss
Puke
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
