Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
