I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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