can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
All I want is dick and wine.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
