God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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