I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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