Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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