I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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