No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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