I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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